Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
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Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
TODAY
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals