Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?