I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.