I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
They got Raph!
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
My dating profile:
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”