I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
You Might Also Like
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…