I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
You Might Also Like
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.