I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
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Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
