I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
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Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
he’ll never suspect a thing
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers