I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
well this is just bullshirt
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed