I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK