Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.