I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
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I’m a self-made hundredaire
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
oppen heimer style lol
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
yeah no that’s fair
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata