I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
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[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
🤣
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.