“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
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the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My dog learned how to text
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
this is a sign that you need a union
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship