I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.