Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Genius idea!!

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

[at funeral] You really had to see him live