Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably