Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

lot going on here, legally speaking.

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?