Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

as is their right

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

Mhm.

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

phew

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?