I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I have obtained a hat
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan