Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.