I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
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I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Its true…
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.