I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
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me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
mumsnet is amazing
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*