I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
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KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
dude it’s called proctologist
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.