I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
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Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here
3 yr old: no
Me: you just want bare feet?
3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Breaking news:
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room