I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
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Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…