I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
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First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.