Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

thinking about a very short hotdog

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.