Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

hi why am I like this

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.