I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
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Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us