Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.