Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

That’s amazing.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

When someone trying to leave me

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

Sex so good you see dead people.

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.