I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Tier 3 meme
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body