I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
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Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
any last words?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.