I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
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[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping