I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
You Might Also Like
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”