I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
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WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
when dads have a rap battle
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.