Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?