I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
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Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
No flush
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
How do dragons blow out candles?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”