I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
A friend helps you before you need it
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Eat…
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*