I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.