Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

Accurate

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.