Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

me and my fake scenarios

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

sleeping beauty

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU