I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Born to be mild.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife