Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.