Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

$4 #usedbooks

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

mood

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.