Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

Very good! 👍😂

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me: