I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*