I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
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My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”