Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids