I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
lmfao
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.