I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
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[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Roombas should bark
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra