I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
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My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
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.
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Biden: Okay.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
No point crayon over spilled milk.
