I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
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Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.