I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
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when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
this has to be peak English
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.