I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
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boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?