I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Finally, a door that understands me
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming