Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

Had an epiphany today.

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.