Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos