Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

Eat…

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.