Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.