I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
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Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
When I snag the last meatball.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
This could’ve been an email.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
