Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

same vibe as tangled headphones

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

me hitting on a model

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

Ken is short for chicken

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”