I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
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Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
🤣
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
This is why I hate group projects
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.