Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

ㅤ

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

12. I think about this all the damn time

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.