I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
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So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Put this video in the Louvre
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.