I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
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Home is where your toilet is.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat