I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
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I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off