Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.