Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

🤣

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day