Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

She puts the hot in psychotic

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.