I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
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“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️