@knotta_tardfan

I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.

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@EJGomez

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

@merrittk

i want a ghostbusters movie set in the immediate aftermath of the first one that’s about regular new yorkers grappling with the knowledge that the soul persists past the death of the body, but sometimes you end up as a green monster man

@Juicedballs

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

@IamEnidColeslaw

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

@Sassafrantz

Sorry I unfriended you after seeing your Facebook “Year In Review” but it was bad enough the first time.

@Marcmywords2

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.