They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.